Snoring, changes in temperature, stealing blankets and constant movement often cause partners to sleep apart. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
We’ll call her Susan. She has been with her French boyfriend for eight years and they live together in Switzerland. They are both in their 40s and for the past year, the couple has become accustomed to sleeping in separate rooms due to her boyfriend’s snoring and breathing problems.
“I already had trouble falling asleep, but it wasn’t really a problem with my partner. In fact, after I met him, things got a lot better,” says Susan.
But he started snoring more regularly in 2022: “I used to wake up about 4 times a night because of his snoring. It was also uncomfortable for him because I was trying to get him to move to calm his snoring.”
In early 2023, the couple decided to sleep separately.
“It was a relief to be able to sleep through the night,” recalls Susan. Her boyfriend was later diagnosed with sleep apnea and started using a CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine.
They started the car and tried to sleep together again, but the noise was worse than the snoring.
A year later, although her condition had improved, they learned through the program that she was still snoring, and Susan became “paranoid about having a bad night’s sleep.”
At first, he moved around on the sofa bed at night, which became a “living habit”. Eventually they agreed to alternate between the bed and the sofa bed. But moving from one to the other every week became “quite exhausting”, especially given the high rent for a two-bedroom apartment in the city.
“Dream Divorce” in Europe
Susan isn’t the only one with sleep problems. Snoring, temperature changes, blanket theft and constant tossing and turning often cause partners to sleep apart. Other issues come into play, including illness, different work schedules, and partners going to bed and getting up at different times.
The French prioritize health and comfort
In France, there is a trend and even a passion for the concept of “sleep divorce” to improve sleep quality and personal happiness.
According to the Press Agency, this reflects a social change where individual health and comfort come first without compromising relationships.
What was once considered a symptom of marital problems is now a practical solution for many French couples. The French approach to relationships is based on independence within the couple, which is consistent with the tendency to sleep separately.
Data from the INED (National Institute for Demographic Studies) shows that many French couples can be intimate and close when sleeping apart, and as a result have a better overall relationship.
Scandinavia: progressive sleep practices
Scandinavian countries are known for being progressive and prioritizing prosperity. They also have their own unique approach to sleeping in relationships.
The Sleep Foundation describes the “Scandinavian Sleep Method,” in which couples use separate blankets and sometimes separate beds so that each person can get the best sleep possible.
This reflects a greater cultural focus on self-care and mental health, with sleep being an important part of overall well-being. In Scandinavia, there is a cultural norm that values sleep as an element of health. Thus, prioritizing individual sleep needs does not harm the relationship, on the contrary, it improves the relationship by allowing both partners to be well rested and less irritable.
United Kingdom: mixed opinions about separate beds
Opinions are divided on separate sleeping arrangements in the UK.
Many British couples sleep in separate beds due to differences in sleeping habits, snoring or personal comfort issues, but the practice is still stigmatised. Historically, single beds were considered reserved for the aristocracy or royalty, reflecting the traditional view of bed-sharing as a symbol of union and togetherness.
Susan explains that her friends are generally understanding of their sleep patterns, but her parents struggle with the concept, thinking that co-sleeping is more important than actually sleeping.
“So that became the elephant in the room,” he said.
But in the UK, the practical benefits of better sleep are leading more and more couples to sleep in separate beds to reap the health and wellbeing benefits. According to the writer Natasha Poliszczuk, “divorce in the dream” “has become a middle class affair: it is available to anyone with enough space.”
Separate bedrooms are “becoming the norm in Middle England homes and marriages,” he says.
A recent survey of 2,000 cohabiting adults found that one in six couples do not share a bed, proving that sleep-related divorce is becoming increasingly acceptable.
Celebrities sleep separately
Many famous rock stars, including Hollywood star Cameron Diaz, who is married to Benji Madden, have opted for a “sleep divorce”. Members of the British royal family are used to sleeping in their own rooms at night, but Kourtney Kardashian took it to the extreme by living in a separate house from her husband Travis Barker.
We don’t all have a separate house where we can sleep. According to a study conducted last year by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, men prefer to sleep on the sofa or in the living room. Surprisingly, more millennials do this than older people.
Should you try?
Pulmonologist and academy spokesman Dr. Adequate sleep, usually 7-8 hours for adults, is essential for healthy relationships, says Seema Khosla.
Research shows that people who regularly have sleep problems experience more conflict with their partners, Khosla says.
Despite the challenges, Susan says she now argues less with her partner because “we’re not tired all the time” and her overall health is better.
“It’s really about prioritizing sleep,” says Khosla. “I have patients who have been married for 60 years and they say it’s because of the separate rooms. »
Sleeping apart is “probably more common than you think.” The same is true for sleep apnea, one of the main causes of severe snoring, Khosla says.
It’s important to discuss separate sleeping arrangements in advance to make them work. “It’s not about avoiding intimacy. It’s about accepting that you can have privacy, spend time together, but then sleep apart. This is a very important part of the conversation. Both partners should understand and agree,” says Khosla.
Susan agrees and advises other couples to seek counseling and consider “the broader impact on your relationship first.”
“It certainly created a distance in the relationship. Organizing vacations or minibus trips or visiting friends and family that used to be fun is now a source of stress because of sleep arrangements,” she said.
How to make a dream divorce
If you want to try this, start talking about your sleep problems and how they affect your daily life. If you both agree, try sleeping apart for a few nights and see if you notice any changes in your sleep and mood. Divorce in a dream is not a one-size-fits-all solution, and what works for one couple may not work for another.
Remember to maintain intimacy in other areas of your relationship as well. Spend time together before bed and during the day. Review your sleeping habits and be prepared to change them if necessary.
You can do the dream divorce only in the week when life is crazy. Then sleep in the same bed on the weekends when you have more time. Or try the Scandinavian method with separate blankets to make sleeping easier.
“It’s a good idea to discuss sleep compatibility before marriage,” says Phyllis Zee, M.D., a sleep physician at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine.
“I see this when couples are married and/or have been together for a while and they’ve been trying to negotiate this for a while,” she shares.
According to Zee, sleep becomes less restorative in middle age.
“In general, we are more likely to suffer from insomnia or sleep apnea. And it starts to get awkward,” he adds.
While there’s no shame in sleeping separately, Zee says technology has made bed-sharing a little easier. White noise machines, cooling pillows and bedding, dual-temperature-controlled mattresses, and dual-controlled electric blankets can help.
“There’s a whole market for alleviating some of these problems,” he explains.
Benefits of co-sleeping
On the other hand, studies show the benefits of co-sleeping.
A 2022 study found that couples who share a bed have greater physical and mental health benefits than those who sleep alone.
American researchers, led by Dr. Michael Grandner of the University of Arizona, found that co-sleeping reduces the risk of depression, anxiety, stress and fatigue, and provides greater security in relationships and overall happiness.
People who rarely sleep with their partner or spouse are more likely to suffer from insomnia than those who share a bed regularly. People who slept alone had higher levels of depression, less social support, and less satisfaction with their lives and relationships.
Researchers have concluded that sleeping with a partner is associated with better sleep and better mental health.